You know when you’re embarrassed to be reading the book you’re reading so everywhere you go you try to hide the cover? Or if it’s a hardcover you take off the slip and you don’t throw it away cause it cost you money so instead you hide it in your room in your drawer at the bottom of all those papers till you’re done reading it then put the dust jacket back on and shove it backwards in the back of your bookshelf so the binding is against the back of your bookshelf and only the pages are showing to anyone that comes in your room? And THEN when it slips outta your mouth that you’re reading a GREAT book (cause deep down inside we love the book that we’re deeply embarrassed to be reading) and peeps are like

“Oh yeah? Whattaya reading?”

But then you realize you can’t be caught DEAD actually saying the name of this book out loud so you quickly think back to the last book you read that wasn’t embarrassing and then quickly realize

Damn.  I’ve been reading a whole lotta embarrassing books lately…

So then you just name your favorite book?

“Oh I’m reading Catcher in the Rye.”

And then the other person you’re talkin to has the same thought process and responds

“Cool, yeah, I’ve heard good things about it. I’m reading The Alchemist.”

Meanwhile you’ve BOTH got your “How To Be A Better You” book tucked deep in your bag and you’re shifting uncomfortably to make sure it’s not pokin out somewhere noticeable.

Or what about those books that are SO bad that you hide them on your kindle? Like what if you were reading ‘The Art of The Deal’ WHICH I AM NOT READING but what if a day like THAT ever came along?  I mean, how do you even buy that book in public?  You can’t.  You have to order it off Amazon and have it delivered to a fake address and then keep it on your secret kindle, not your regular kindle but the secret kindle, the one that you don’t even know where it is.

Anyway, well yeah, I’m reading one of those books right now. And I’m gonna tell you this- It’s the greatest book I’ve ever read and I read a lot cause I’m always doubting that I’m the best me that I can be and so I’m always reading classic literature and self help books and business books and I read fiction and like… Mark Twain and Hemingway and Fitzgerald so that I can show off the covers wherever I am… and I read poetry and I read history and economics and martial arts and at one point… books about tea.

Get this: I got six books about tea.

Yeah, tea.

And it’s not JUST books that I’m strung out on… but I go on seminar-binges and listen to hours and hours of a soft-spoken man or woman whispering to me through my headphones that everything will be just fine and I listen to that shit for like fifteen hours until I feel like less of a man (but deep down inside more complete as a human).

Two roadtrips ago I was going through a breakup and I was miserable and alone and wondering how to tape the gaping hole in my heart back together and so I listened to these two courses that I would NEVER tell ANYONE about. Except you.

I listened to this one seminar called Calling In The One (I just checked and it’s now changed to Calling In Your Soul Partner – man, that’s even worse…) and I listened eighteen fuckin eighteen hours of Marianne Williamson’s relationship course called… hmmm lemme check… Maybe it was A Return To Love? I dunno but they both totaled like fuckin THIRTY HOURS.

and get THIS

I’m somewhere on this roadtrip in middle of nowhere Arkansas when Marianna Williamson tells me in to write a letter to God or my soul partner or some shit… it’s part of the seminar… and I’m like, well fuck, if I don’t do this damn thing EXACTLY how it’s supposed to be done, it’ll all be for nothin!  So I gotta IMMEDIATELY write a letter to my soul partner or God or whatever she told me to do and so I PULLED OFF THE HIGHWAY SOMEWHERE IN ARKANSAS AND SAT DOWN AT A WAFFLE HOUSE AND WROTE LIKE A MAD MAN IN THIS JOURNAL SHE TOLD ME TO BUY!

The Waffle House waitress is like

“Hah thar darlin kin ah git yewh a… dahrlin are yew crahin?

That’s when I realize not only am I writing a letter to my soul partner in a Waffle House somewhere off the highway in Arkansas but I’m leakin out tears an shit too.  Fuckin shit…

But here’s the book that I’m writing this post about. Here’s the BIG kahuna…

You ready?

Today I was at Tiago… the cafe on La Brea and Hollywood… and I was reading…

Dun Dun DUnnnnnnnn…

MONEY Master the Game: 7 Simple Steps to Financial Freedom
by Tony Fucking Robbins

That’s an aff link btw but it doesn’t demote the man’s genius cause can I just tell you one thing? This man, Tony Robbins- is fucking brilliant. He’s incredible and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I also love Pretty Woman. It’s one of my favorite movies. And I love When Harry Met Sally. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I was at Barnes and Noble reading The Intelligent Investor by Benjamin Graham cause Warren Buffet said it was the best book on investing out there but then I spilled coffee on it and so I went to the lady at the customer service desk and said

“Do you have another copy of this book?  This one is a bit beat up….”

“Oh and it’s such a great book too!”

“Have you read it?”

“Yes but you know what you SHOULD read?—”

and that’s when she showed me the Tony Robbins book.

So I’m reading Tony Damn Robbins and I’m super embarrassed about it… like the amount of time that I take it from out my backpack and open the book up so that the cover is hidden is MILLISECONDS.  But man… I gotta say, this dude is so damn inspiring that I wanna fly across the country or world, wherever he may be– did you know TONY ROBBINS OWNS AN ISLAND? — maybe I’ll meet him there… on his island.  Anyway I wanna fly there and put down my life savings and attend seventy of his seminars. I swear to you I’ve never read a book that changed my life so fuckin quickly. Dude is amazing.

Anyway, that’s the story about how I love Tony Robbins.

That motivational fuck.

Anyway here’s a story about selling drugs, well… pot.


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