WELCOME TO STORIES ABOUT ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES
OKAY LOOK, I’M INNOCENT. Oh shit. Sorry, auto-correct. What I meant to say is that none of this is really true. Except it is. Except it isn’t. I’m not actually sure of my constitutional rights here so I’ll just play dumb. Let’s just say, for the sake of nothing, that these stories might be true. They’re covered in more detail in my book, but if you haven’t yet read it, till then, enjoy the short stories that aren’t really true but are but aren’t but what? huh?
Almost a Criminal
Part 1 The restaurant was called Balzano’s, and it had just opened. All the employees were new, especially me—at least that’s what it felt like. I told KC how incredible it was, how I miraculously pulled off the pizza-boy to trendiest restaurant in Manhattan switch,...
How to Stop Smoking Weed
I stopped smoking weed and drinking and doing coke and all that shit about nine years ago, but that’s cause I was a degenerate drug addicted fuckhole and sought serious help. But it dawned on me that not everyone that is searching for a weed substitute and looking for...
Life Stories: The Last Two Grand I Had
Life Stories With No Morals. I was twenty-two and had nothing but the 2K my grandma had given me as a “loan” to get my life together. At the time, I was producing plays for a living in NYC and had just lost 7K on my last show. My grandma's loan wasn't enough to...
The Art Of The Overnight Deal
My flight takes off in one hour. I get in a cab in Brooklyn, sit in remarkable traffic, get to the airport and race from the backseat of my taxi to the security checkpoint… There’s twenty-three grand duct-taped to my balls. Beads of sweat soak my inner soul as I stare...
One Day In The Life Of A Drug Dealer (well, pot)
At 9am I’m writing a screenplay about this girl named robyn smith who witnessed a murder as a child then found out her boyfriend was the gay lover of the sheriff’s son, the sheriff’s son she swore had committed the murder she witnessed as a child in Lake Charles...
First Class Drug Dealer
My flight takes off in one hour. I’m racing from the backseat of my cab to JFK to make my plane. After battling traffic I get to my gate and they are calling my name on the loudspeaker wtf? so i go to the gate attendant and he tells me I’ve been bumped up to...