Scrambled Gregs

Before You Start Reading Shit… Do You Ever Get REALLY Fuckin Bored?

Well I Made a Scrambled Gregs Welcome Book Thingy For You Below That’ll Give Ya Some Shit to do… It’s Free!

CHAPTER ZERO: Welcome To Hidden Lake Academy

We drove Northeast from the Atlanta airport and were now somewhere in the barren Appalachian Mountains. I sat in the front seat of a red pickup truck, crammed in between two scary hick private investigators with a gun rack and rifle mounted to the rear window. I had...

CHAPTER ONE: Legendary Loser

It was the first day of middle school. The hallway crowded with hostile sixth graders, half from East Hills Elementary School, and the rest from Harbor Hill Elementary School. The two schools had always remained divided until today. For the first time, we were...

CHAPTER TWO: Overnight Success

I was standing in the parking lot where all the buses picked us up after school one day. It was the beginning of the school year in eighth grade and my social status was the same, if not worse. I was the loser sidekick to the two other losers that were slightly less...

CHAPTER THREE: Stardom

Here it was, stardom, popularity, fame, power.  I considered myself lucky to have known the darkness so well before tasting the light.  It was a new day, a Friday, the most wonderful Friday I had ever met.  Pre-Olivia life was already a distant memory, though it was...

CHAPTER FOUR: They Found Out I Was A Jew

From the day I showed up to the humid, bug-filled air of Opelousas, Louisiana for rehab number two, the ‘Jew’ jokes had flown across the room like a volleyball. Nobody knew I was Jewish and I was determined to keep it that way. I celebrated my fifteenth birthday at...

CHAPTER FIVE: The Night We Broke Out

A shotgun was fired. Sarah and I leapt off the guys lawn from behind the bushes and ran onto the street. “Hurry the fuck up!” She was already out of breath and who knows how many rounds that guy was gonna fire. Sirens could be heard all around. We dove into a ditch on...

CHAPTER SEVEN: TRIPLE FUCKED

3 2 1 BOOM!!! We ran down the prison-like dormitory hallway, under the surveillance cameras, past the security guards,  and nearly shattered the glass doors.  We meant to be quiet, but running for dear life can be loud. We jumped over the mud and leapt behind the high...

CHAPTER EIGHT: Isolation Cabin

I woke up in the middle of a flooded basement.  The carpet on the ground reeked of mildew and had started to unravel.  The walls were painted eggshell white. Jon and Ramsey and Jake were still asleep. An unfamiliar woman in army attire sat in a chair reading a book...

CHAPTER NINE: Get The Fuck In The Car

“Greg.” Wake up. Can you hear me?” His voice was stern and curt and cut right through my sleep. My eyes opened but my sight was blurry. There was a man. “I want you to listen very carefully.” Grant-Lindsey, the headmaster kneeled over me clenching his bible. I was in...

CHAPTER TEN: Solo Time

THE FINAL CHAPTER OF PART I SOLO TIME My blindfold was taken off.   I was in the middle of some forest. Another forest. I’m always in a fuckin forest. This time I was alone. Well, Running Oak was with me, but none of the other kids were in sight. “This is where you...

Ever Wonder How to Get Over Someone You Never Had? Total Mindfuck, I Know.

I met a chick at a bus station that treated me like shit and nearly ruined my trip to Patagonia, so I had to learn how to get over her. She was like crack. Only thing is I never had her… I had to navigate through the muddy waters of learning how to get over someone...

Building Healthy Relationships With Cracked Cement

Building Healthy Relationships Was Never Something I Coulda Envisioned... Not in a million fuckin years. Especially my parents that I’d been estranged from at such a young age, but building healthy relationships got progressively worse as I got older. By the time I...

The Story About Why I Cheated on My Girlfriend

I Cheated on My Girlfriend in the Worst Possible Way… KC was in the bathroom taking a shower and I quietly turned the computer on. I start going through all the millions of Lisa Andersens on MySpace while my heart is thumping. I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s...

Chemistry in Relationships

Finding Chemistry in Relationships When I first met my fiance on this sober rafting trip by the Delaware river and she was wearing these leggings with Koolaid-like red hair, I was certain she was just my type: trashy and sober. But after a few dates I realized she...

Should We Break Up?

You Know those Relationship Extremes? Should we break up then? NO! Okay should we get married? That’s how most of our conversations went. From breaking up to marriage. Either I wanna spend the rest of my life with this woman or we should break up and never see each...

Forgive But Don’t Forget

I Never Liked Those Relationship Slogans Like: "Forgive but Don't Forget."  Wtf does that even mean? I love her. Why would I not forget about it? If I took that advice with my last girlfriend, I'd have to disown my feelings every other week. The big fight we...

When Chicks Used To Ask Me “Why Am I Still Single?”

Who Me? I’d be like, wait. What? Why am I still single? You have the nerve to ask me that? Why are YOU still single, huh? That used to come up in every Tinder exchange or Bumble thread I had. Those goddamn dating apps really make it hard to tell the truth, right?...

Jealousy and Insecurity – Is there a Way Out?

I often wondered when I was younger if I'd ever be able to not be jealous. Jealousy played such a massive part in all my relationships, that I just assumed I was a jealous partner, and that was it. Jealousy in relationships would be there till the end of my time....

Second Chances in Relationships

Second Chances in Relationships - Right or Wrong? The other day my SEO chick was reading this post about relationships and about how second chances in relationships shouldn’t be a thing, and not only did it piss her off, it pissed me off too. When I first met my...

Life Stories: The Mary Poppins of Hookers

Golden Prostitute: The Tale of Flower's Coveted Services Once upon a time I was a homeless runaway sixteen-year-old kid and my boot-camp-boarding-school sweetheart was turning tricks on the streets of Providence. Her name was Flower, and this is her story, one of...

The Freedom That Homeless Teens Get That You Never Will

I was one of the homeless teens of America. I’m not some random writer writing about this shit, I was it. From fourteen to sixteen I was institutionalized. From sixteen to seventeen I was homeless, and from seventeen to twenty-seven I was a vagrant nomad cocaining...

Stealing Books

I was spare changing on Thayer street outside of the Brown University Bookstore and had the sudden urge to read Of Mice And Men by John Steinbeck. I stole a book from that store roughly... Hmmm... A couple times per week.  My backpack was full of books, fine...

Stay With Me Just ONE More Night

“Stay just one more night” Lucy, the Ivy-League girl I fell in love with that one night I was sitting on my Indian-print blanket asking strangers for money with my witty signs 'need money for beer pot and hookers', the girl I was tellin you about yesterday, would say...

Should I Take The Mussels? | Funny Tinder Stories

One of My Many Tinder Stories... I'm on the phone with some chick I met on Tinder. At some point of our conversation, she tells me that one time, some dude came on her hair at a nightclub 'at the speed of cum'. I don't know what that meant, but I knew what had to be...

You Know When You’re Embarrassed To Be Reading The Book You’re Reading?

You know when you're embarrassed to be reading the book you're reading so everywhere you go you try to hide the cover? Or if it's a hardcover you take off the slip and you don’t throw it away cause it cost you money so instead you hide it in your room in your drawer...

Ex-Girlfriend

Aright so I'm goin to the Bourgeois Pig in a minute to meet my ex-girlfriend and even tho it was like eight years ago that we dated it still is nevertheless my ex-girlfriend. And I gotta say... I still really wanna fuck her. And I'm not going into this teatime...

Today I Was Bored So

So I just photoshopped my latest parking ticket and rearranged some of the letters and numbers to make it an official unofficial "How Do You Like YOUR Scrambled Gregs" parking ticket and I'm currently at Staples on Sunset and Wilcox after I ordered a hundred pages,...

I Just REALLY Wanna Go Down On You

So I'm at some really posh pool party at a joint called Skybar at the Mondrian hotel in West Hollywood and my buddy Eric Sharp is DJing and the crowd is a collection of the most sexually frustrating outfitted human beings on earth.  I'm sitting down on the wooden...

ENFP Personality Story: They Told Me I Was A Farmer

So I took this personality test yesterday, and it says I’d be a great farmer or park ranger... It says I’m logically retarded. It says that I would be a great actor, writer, journalist, graphic designer, web designer, psychologist, speech pathologist, interpreter,...

The Day I Gave Ryan Gosling My Autograph

So Ryan Gosling is sitting next to me at the Dresden, a 1950’s styled piano bar in LA, with a group of friends enjoying some cocktails and famous conversation. Some chick walks up to his table, mid-adjective, and stands there hovering over he and his friend, who seem...

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