WELCOME TO STORIES ABOUT ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES

OKAY LOOK, I’M INNOCENT. Oh shit.  Sorry, auto-correct.  What I meant to say is that none of this is really true.  Except it is.  Except it isn’t.  I’m not actually sure of my constitutional rights here so I’ll just play dumb.  Let’s just say, for the sake of nothing, that these stories might be true.  They’re covered in more detail in my book, but if you haven’t yet read it, till then, enjoy the short stories that aren’t really true but are but aren’t but what? huh?

Life Stories: The Last Two Grand I Had

Life Stories: The Last Two Grand I Had

Life Stories With No Morals. I was twenty-two and had nothing but the 2K my grandma had given me as a “loan” to get my life together. At the time, I was producing plays for a living in NYC and had just lost 7K on my last show.  My grandma's loan wasn't enough to...

The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul

The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul

It was 7pm. We were in all black. Tegan, Curtis and myself. I wanted to wear my mustard pants but Tegan wouldn't let me. So we were in all black. We rented a 14ft U-Haul. Then my buddy Mark showed up in his 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS and the guerrilla don't get us...

The Art Of The Overnight Deal

The Art Of The Overnight Deal

My flight takes off in one hour. I get in a cab in Brooklyn, sit in remarkable traffic, get to the airport and race from the backseat of my taxi to the security checkpoint… There’s twenty-three grand duct-taped to my balls. Beads of sweat soak my inner soul as I stare...

One Day In The Life Of A Drug Dealer (well, pot)

One Day In The Life Of A Drug Dealer (well, pot)

One Day In The Life of A Drug Dealer (well, pot) At 9am I’m writing a screenplay about this girl named robyn smith who witnessed a murder as a child then found out her boyfriend was the gay lover of the sheriff’s son, the sheriff’s son she swore had committed the...

First Class Drug Dealer

First Class Drug Dealer

My flight takes off in one hour. I’m racing from the backseat of my cab to JFK to make my plane.  After battling traffic I get to my gate and they are calling my name on the loudspeaker wtf? so i go to the gate attendant and he tells me I’ve been bumped up to first...