I Never Liked Those Relationship Slogans Like: “Forgive but Don’t Forget.”
Wtf does that even mean? I love her. Why would I not forget about it? If I took that advice with my last girlfriend, I’d have to disown my feelings every other week. The big fight we always got into was I’m sober and I wanted her to drink and smoke less. She didn’t wanna do that shit. So we tried to make it work for a long time, and well… it didn’t. But it’s not her fault, I mean, she knew I was sober but didn’t know what that meant. She knew it was important but didn’t quite understand how to respect my sobriety, and I guess I didn’t know how to respect my sobriety either, cause I shoulda just left in the beginning, but I didn’t. I would always give her a second chance. I started to doubt whether or not I was being clear enough… maybe she just didn’t get it?
In the beginning of our relationship she invited me to her ex-boyfriend’s show (he was a musician) because she said they were still friends and she didn’t wanna leave her group of friends just cause she and I were dating. I asked her why they broke up and she gave me vague reasons that never really resonated with me. I showed up to that club and felt so out of place. Everyone there knew her, and they knew her ex, and they didn’t know me nor make any effort to get to know me. I called my friend outside and told him I was pretty sure I was there just to make him jealous.
He told me to leave. She came and found me and said she was sorry. I knew I had to learn how to forgive and move on in a relationship if I wanted one to actually work, so I did that. I thought to myself: forgive and forget… but I couldn’t. Kinda forgive but don’t forget was what my inner demons told me. Fuck this bitch.
I Need to Forgive and Move on in a Relationship, Right?
I don’t know. Still though I kept going back to her even though she kept hurting me. I loved her and I wasn’t about to let my insecurities or fears get in the way of what might turn into a serious relationship. I mean, I might marry this chick.
After all, I did agree it would be okay if she drank one beer a night and smoked a joint with her neighbors. But that seems like a silly talk to even have with the woman I love, right? Shouldn’t she get it? How many times am I supposed to explain to her that my life depends on me staying sober. She knows how hard I worked for this shit, or maybe she doesn’t. Maybe I need to tell her about one of my really fucked up stories so she gets how bad my life was. Maybe I need to scare her.
No… that’s not it. Just go to an Alanon meeting. That’ll help. This is probably just me being codependent. I shouldn’t ask her to revamp her life just cause my life was a mess. But man, all these people keep lookin surprised every time I tell em she’s not sober. Whenever I’m talkin to my sober friends and I tell them she’s a normie, they look at me like, Oh.
‘Oh what’ motherfucker? What do you want me to do? Ignore every chick that drinks a beer? It’s not like she has a problem. She could stop if she wanted to.
Oh fuck. That’s what I used to say when I was an active alcoholic. I’m just thinkin too much. I need to relax. I need to learn how to forgive and move on in a relationship or else I’ll be alone forever.
But Forgiveness in a Relationship isn’t Permanent
This one night she got wasted in Phoenix at a bar and asked me if I would drive her and all her friends home from Phoenix back to Tempe. Wait, you want me to be your designated driver? Maybe that’s normal.
That’s not weird, right? I’m being sensitive about this. She’s totally allowed to do that. Stop makin this all about you, Greg. Me? She won’t even go a fuckin day without drinkin! That’s on me?! YES! Okay. I need to take a walk.
No.
I need a cigarette. So I go outside to her parent’s patio and light up a cigarette waiting for the sensibility to come back to me, but I was still angry. I lit up another cigarette.
The next night she was out at a concert with all her friends. I went with her but left after an hour or so cause everyone was gettin drunk, but I mean that’s what you do at a concert if you’re not sober, you get drunk, right? So I just told her I would wait for her back at her parent’s house.
I hope they’re not awake when I get there. That’ll be weird. What should I say? Why would I be alone? Whatever, it’s not my job to make excuses for her. I started to get mad.
Don’t get mad. Stop. I could feel my blood boiling. I would call my Alanon sponsor but he won’t pick up. He’s gettin sick of me callin. Should I be callin so much about my girlfriend though? This relationship isn’t working. I need to leave. But we’re in the middle of breaking this world record road trip. I can’t just leave. Just forgive her. Forgiveness in a relationship is something I need to learn. Just forgive but don’t forget about it cause it’ll happen again. You can address it tomorrow when you’re not so angry.
What time is it?
She’s still not home? I stared at the clock till 4am. I heard the garage door open. I was awake in bed. I had finished a pack of cigarettes by then. Don’t be mad, don’t be that jealous boyfriend. C’mon Greg, you’re going to learn how to forgive and move on in a relationship or else you’ll die alone.
She walked in and I pretended like everything was okay. Then I lost it. I blew a fuse.
I knew this was gonna happen, she said.
No More Forgiving and Forgetting
I packed up my things and got in the car and made a loud exit at 5AM. Her entire family heard it. Then at the gas station I realized I had nowhere to go, so I went back to her parent’s house and we had ass sex. I guess she felt guilty.
I lived like that for three goddam years. But as it turns out, it’s way easier for me to be with a girl that’s sober. I don’t have any beef with my ex, she loved me and I loved her. It just didn’t work for us.
Now I realize that if you forgive but don’t forget then it hasn’t really been forgiven. And no matter how many times I tried to forget about that one time she brought me to her ex-boyfriend’s show to make him jealous, that shit freaked me out for the rest of our relationship. I was positive that she would leave me for some musician while she was drunk…
I became a possessive weirdo. I don’t like me when I’m like that.
Serenity
Finally I met a sober chick with a fat ass and pink hair with piercings all over and tattoos on her back. With her everything is easy. There’s no work that needs to be done. We just vibe. But without going through that relationship with my ex, I never woulda realized how important it was that I be with someone sober, and trustworthy.
Moral of the story is, stop spending so much time makin some shit work that obviously doesn’t work. I drove myself crazy trying to fit that square relationship into a triangular hole. Easier to just find a triangular relationship.