FUNNY STORIES ABOUT FUCKED UP SHIT

Most of these short stories are pretty fucked up, which is why I cleverly titled this page ‘Fucked Up Shit’… so I’d like to warn you, some of this fucked up shit is pretty fucked up.  So if you don’t wana keep reading the words fucked up shit cause it’s too fucked up, then kindly move on to Crazy Ass Relationships–actually those are pretty fucked up too.  How about my book?  Nah that’s even worse.  Fuck it, just read.

The Murder of Robyn Smith

The Murder of Robyn Smith

So I logged onto MySpace while my ex-girlfriend was at work. It was 2005. I was twenty years old and hadn’t seen this girl named Robyn since I was fourteen in this rehab in Louisiana, but now that MySpace had just come out, I wondered if I might be able to find her....

Instagram Kills Cartoon, The Story

Instagram Kills Cartoon, The Story

Tina never played sports in school.  She was always the girly girl that went to softball practice just to gossip about boys.  She was only ten years old when she asked her mom if she could wear eyeshadow to school. All the girls are doing it mom. And so she...

RUNAWAY TEEN, PART I

RUNAWAY TEEN, PART I

Flower picked up. GREGGY!!!!! I couldn’t believe my ears. FLOWER!!!!  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?  WHERE’D YOU GO?!?! I’m so sorry Greggy they made me leave and I went to Switzerland and then I ran away with Kiki and then we got tickets to come back here and I’m...

Runaway Teen Part III – The Girl With Dreadie Hair

Runaway Teen Part III – The Girl With Dreadie Hair

READ PART I READ PART II The bus pulled onto a dark street at midnight, but Flower was NOWHERE to be seen. The Greyhound station was closed. I sat on a deserted street in downtown Providence.  No clue what to do. I had nowhere to sleep, I had no direction, I...

Little Room For Error – Runaway Teen Part II

Little Room For Error – Runaway Teen Part II

I had to get 23 bucks for the bus ticket to providence I was tellin you about yesterday.  CUT TO Dinner table. Hey mom?  Marks wants to take me to Benihana tomorrow for a late lunch after he gets off work before my visitation is over.  Is it cool if I...

SSSTTTEEELLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!!!

SSSTTTEEELLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!!!

I threw the dinner table over and finished that scene from A Streetcar Named Desire where Stanley flips his lid at Blanche for the first time at the dinner table. It was an intense scene and i had teared and grabbed my wife's tits during the scene in front of the...

THE MILK STORY

THE MILK STORY

So I'm at this bar in Hell's Kitchen with my co-star of a play I was performing in at the time called Tape, by Stephen Belber, when Duane, my co-star, says in a thick New York accent (even though he's from Rhode Island) Don't worry. I'll take care uvit....

I Met This Ivy League Chick When I Was Homeless

I Met This Ivy League Chick When I Was Homeless

So i’m a homeless sixteen year-old runaway that had just escaped from Hidden Lake Academy and was now spare changing with my homegirl, Flower, on the streets of Providence Rhode Island when I looked up from my Indian-print blanket, which I was sitting on while burning...

Karma’s A Bitch

Karma’s A Bitch

He was wearing three hoodies and two pairs of pants with his hood over his face holding a shopping bag. I couldn't see his face in the dark. We were outside the Flatiron Mall in Broomfield Colorado. I was 18. He told me to "Put the money on the ground" So I put twelve...

The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul

The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul

It was 7pm. We were in all black. Tegan, Curtis and myself. I wanted to wear my mustard pants but Tegan wouldn't let me. So we were in all black. We rented a 14ft U-Haul. Then my buddy Mark showed up in his 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS and the guerrilla don't get us...

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