WELCOME TO LOCKED UP
I kept getting locked up. But not for too long… wait. What am I saying? I spent two years locked up in Georgia. Anyway- I’ve been to like a million small jails in a billion tiny towns and I’m probably the only drug dealer that NEVER went to jail for dealing drugs BUT DID go to jail for speeding. Yeah… this is all in my book, but here… Indulge yourself for a moment and live in my life. I’m willing to bet you can relate somewhere along the lines in these stories.
Feeling lonely in a relationship with so many people
She was with me when I got my wisdom teeth pulled and drove me back to her apartment. She loves me. She would never do this if she didn’t. Then she cooked us pancakes at her apartment while my mouth was full of cotton and I recorded it on my phone before it was cool...
Body Language Attraction Alert
I was watching reruns of America’s Next Top model this weekend and looking at all the models and hating on some and loving on others, but realized they are good at one thing: body language. They pose in this way that drips attraction. At first I didn’t see it, I...
Once in a Lifetime Experience Again and Again
I remember when I was sitting in Robyn’s office. She was my manager when I was trying to break out as an actor in my early twenties. I remember sitting on her couch in her office waiting to meet her boss thinking: this shit will only happen once. Make it count. I used...
How Do I Change My GODDAM LIFE?!
If I want to change my life, I do something HUGE… and it always works. That’s my secret: Do something fuckin huge that’s in the direction of where I wanna be. Sometimes I wake up and realize I’ve fallen off track, or I’ve spent too much time in one place. Like the...
How to Meet People in a New City
I’ve moved to many different cities and the first thing I do is head to the cafe. That’s my starting point. There’s no right way for how to meet people in a new city, but you can increase the odds of getting off to a non-lonely start. The cafe as a starting point...
Boundaries in Relationships – A Story About My Personal Assistant…
I used to fuck a chick named Mimi. That’s not her real name. I knew her cause in sixth grade I made out with her older sister at a house party I was having at my parent’s house, and then twenty years later I was smoking a joint in someone’s car outside of the Nassau...
How to Get Over the Fear of Death Big Lebowski Style
This summer I saw Howard Stern’s new book, Howard Stern Comes Again, on my mother-in-law’s table in the Hamptons. It was a nice day out and everyone was by the pool. I never read much mind-mush, and nearly always surround myself with philosophy and psychology and...
Learning a Foreign Language Scrambled Gregs Style
Learning a foreign language is like unlocking your girlfriend’s iPhone. You just gotta go for it. If the numbers work, you cracked the code. If not, she’ll be notified by Apple that you’re an insecure crazy person who needed to know if Craig was just a friend, or if...
I Used to Wonder… Am I a Failure in Life?
If my life isn’t where I want it to be at 27, I’ll do something drastic. If I still feel like I’m a failure in life by then, I’ll get rid of my worst habit. All through my twenties I told myself that. Then my 27th birthday was approaching and I freaked out. I looked...
Turning 30 Almost Made Me Bankrupt
Turning 30 was the day I realized everything I ever thought in my twenties was total horse shit. My grandma always told me that “if you don’t make it by forty, you’ll never make it.” She said it as a throw-away line, something to give me a decade buffer to do what I’d...