I remember when I was sitting in Robyn’s office. She was my manager when I was trying to break out as an actor in my early twenties. I remember sitting on her couch in her office waiting to meet her boss thinking: this shit will only happen once. Make it count. I used to think once in a lifetime experiences only came about once in a lifetime, but recently I’ve become aware that every moment is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Anyway when I walked into her boss’s office and told her I was ready to take over the world, it didn’t take long for me to flunk every fuckin audition I ever went on with xanax and self-destruction. So much for that once in a lifetime experience… 

Once in a Lifetime Comes All the Time

But Since then there have been a million more Robyns and a million more moments that felt like they’d only show themselves briefly then disappear forever. Robyns were all over my life but all disguised as someone else. Every moment that could potentially change my life became a once in a lifetime moment and I thought every one of them would define my existence, and they did, till the next one arrived. It started when I was young.

When Olivia asked me to be her boyfriend in eighth grade, that was a once in a lifetime offer. How could someone go from the biggest loser at Roslyn Middle School to being asked by the second-to-most popular girl in my grade to be her boyfriend? Are you fuckin kidding me? I’ll be going to popular kids’ parties and known as cool throughout eighth grade? This can’t be happening. It’s too good to be true. This is something that never happens to anyone. This is… well, huge. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? Well, actually, everything. I definitely deserve this. But what did I know? I was like ten or however old you are in eighth grade.

Another Once in a Lifetime Experience

Then in ninth grade the baddest motherfucker at Roslyn High School picked me up in his beamer one day after school. You hear that? The baddest, most infamous motherfucker there. He wanted to kick it with me, and I was just some random freshman. Well, not so random anymore, am I right? I’m like the coolest fuckin kid to ever be born. This type of shit only happens to a very select group of humans, and I must be one of them. This is a once in a lifetime experience and I’m gonna suck the living life out of it. This is serious shit, shit to write home to the folks about. Not sure where I heard that saying, but I heard it. Anyway, I’ll write a book about this one day. Nobody will ever believe the arc that life has taken me on… Of course I was fourteen and didn’t know dick about life.

And these moments never stopped.

At my second rehab in Louisiana after I was kicked out Roslyn for being an incredible fuckup, when I was fifteen at New Beginnings in Opelousas trying to “straighten my life out,” the hottest and sluttiest lookin chick in the entire fuckin rehab blew me a kiss during mandetory volleyball and wrote me a love letter at the nighttime AA meeting. Yeah. Her name was Sarah. Is she still alive? Maybe. But she was from Lawrence Massachusetts and when she showed up with her dark lipstick and purple lip liner and purple hair and tight black pants and wild eye makeup, I thought I might have a wet dream for the next decade. Then when she wanted to break out of rehab with me and spend the rest of her life next to my side, I thought: this can’t be. No way. No way I’m this lucky. I bet everyone wishes they were me right now. This is the type of thing that only happens in movies. Turns out I was over-dramatizing regular life but what did I know?

A True Once in a Lifetime Opportunity

guy screaming

And so life went for many years. In my twenties I had a threesome with two lesbians and I thought that was the highlight of my life. This shit only happens once in a lifetime Greg, so really enjoy this shit. It was a once in a lifetime experience and I was determined to laminate that memory in gold casing and hang it on my wall for all to see. You know what? I mighta been right about that. That shit was awesome. Okay, bad example. A better one was in my twenties when Alan Kannof offered me a job being his personal music manager (kinda). The head of William Morris wanted me to work for him. Some actor-turned-drug-dealer was gonna be his number two, or number three maybe. Doesn’t matter, this is nuts. I’m a legend. I always knew life would give me something that nobody else had. I thought I was destined for greatness, and now I’m working in the entertainment business without a high school diploma. Absolutely incredible.

Bad Shit Happens Too

But it wasn’t always good things. Horror shows took place too. Like the time my girlfriend got pregnant after a couple months when I was like twenty-six. I couldn’t believe God would take my life like that. Do I believe in God? I’ll capitalize that shit just in case. I had it all. Money, drugs, actresses, and now this? Now I gotta have a kid and lose it all? How could this happen to me? I was self-centered and disillusioned. I was thinking this is something that would only happen to someone like me at the time. I couldn’t believe life always did shit like that to me. It always came outta nowhere and fucked me with a scenario I couldn’t navigate my way out of. Of course she got an abortion and still hasn’t forgiven me to this day, but how could I know the consequences of my actions back then? I was a fuckin idiot. But still it felt like a moment that only came about once.

And so life has gone since then. Many more moments where my life felt like it was hanging on a tightrope that would define the rest of my future, and many other moments after that to feel exactly the same. The point I’m trying to make here is every moment is a once in a lifetime moment and it always feels like that. Every moment might make the next fuller and richer than you could ever imagine, but the moments will continue to come until they stop. 

The moral of the story is don’t put too much weight on any given experience; they’re all unique and somewhat not a big deal. Distribute your weight equally and stretch each second into a minute. Savor the flavor. And if you have a threesome with two lesbians that shit really will be a once in a lifetime experience so pace yourself.

Now here’re some dirty sex stories.

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