I was watching reruns of America’s Next Top model this weekend and looking at all the models and hating on some and loving on others, but realized they are good at one thing: body language. They pose in this way that drips attraction. At first I didn’t see it, I thought they just looked into random cameras and elongated their necks, but there’s this body language attraction thing that they’re obviously skilled at or else I wouldn’t still be thinkin about it at 7:33AM on a Monday morning. 

Tyra’s Body Language Attraction

Yesterday I was watching Cycle 22 (don’t worry, no spoiler alerts even though it’s from like 2014) and wondering… why in the hell am I so invested in this damn show? As much as I wanna take Tyra Banks and scrunch her up into a paper ball of trash and throw her away forever, when she bats her damn eyelashes and flips her hair and moves her head in these weird ways I can’t stop looking at her. She’s mesmerizing. The body language of women is Tyra’s specialty. It says: Eat me.

Eat me all up.

And look. Mikey is a total piece of fuckin white trash, but I mean he does make contact with the lens, right? As much as I think a human like that deserves nothing, I was still hoping he’d have a threesome with Mamé and Hadassah. Spoiler alert: He doesn’t. Okay but who cares if this dickhead bangs these two girls? Well, I do. Cause his photos pulled me into his life and now I slightly want him to succeed. But he’s no Tyra. He can’t teach a college course on the body language of men like Tyra can teach a course on the body language of women.

And the beauty pageant girl. The black barbie. Hadassah. She’s the hottest chick in the world next to my fiance, but her body language attraction scorecard is goddam zero and her photos exude blankness. For that reason, I don’t care about her. But when she’s in bed with Mikey acting like a homewrecker, that turns me on. That’s a whole other story I guess: Why I love homewreckers. That’ll come in 2021. 

But the point is the way she wants to bring down Ashley is absolutely fucking sexy, but not Hadassa’s shots. Her runway walk is full of boredom. I don’t get excited watching her own the dress, cause her body language says otherwise. It says: I’m only here cause that’s where I’m supposed to be, not I’m only here cause THAT’S WHERE THE FUCK I WANNA BE BITCH. Nah, she can’t pull it off. But like I said, her demonic spirit is sexy. So there’s something there, but that’s a me problem.

I’m no Tyra. 

body language of women

Nobody would ever say to me: Damn Greg. Your body language attraction is at an all time high today. Work it dude, work it. Nah. That’d never happen, even if I tried to tootch my bootch and pop my hip I’d be at a loss. I know this cause I tried it all weekend. I kept starting from the fridge and walking towards my fiance and she kept saying “please, no. Stop.” That’s not a sign of riveting success. The power of body language of men is not my strong suit I suppose, I’ll stick to writing weird stories about whatever type shit.

And Nyle. This dude is deaf and all he has is body language. Sign language is body language in its most literal form, and let’s face it America and other countries who are reading this: that motherfucker is attractive. But not when he’s sitting down, when he’s expressing his limbs and focusing his eyes. I’m not saying I wanna mount this burly beast of a man, or am I? But wait… What about Justin?

My fiance was all into this dude. All the chicks were. Why? Cause he’s a good looking dude. But why did he fail at life? His body language was dull. Dude put me to sleep. Nothing to offer. Crawl up and die. No, that’s a joke. He’s an okay dude but without those laser beams coming from his eyes, what else is there?

There’s insanity, and Devon can tell you that. That dude is a fuckin lunatic. At first when he made his appearance I thought: this dude doesn’t have the face to match the others. He’ll never win. But he came close. Why? Cause he brought insanity to his body language. You can’t hear how fucked in the head that dude is in a photo, but you sure as hell can see he’s not a normal dude from a few photos. Then all this got me thinkin…

Which limb matters most?

They can’t all matter the same. What’s the most important body part to speak body language fluently? Is it your eyes? The boot? Torso? Legs? Lips? Face in general? What about the way you move your pupil up top and show off your sclera? Not sure what a sclera is? It’s the white part of your eye. See? You learn shit here at Scrambled Gregs. Anyway, I never thought about this shit before this shitty ass show I can’t stop watching, but now it’s all I think about when I look in the mirror. I think to myself: Can I twist my body and keep my hands firm and lips loose and eyes stern and posture proper and draw people in with my positioning? I don’t know. 

The moral of the story is your personality doesn’t mean shit without mastering your body language attraction style. Will you be America’s Next Top Model? Or just a regular schmuck with nothing to offer the world… Choose your body language carefully, the choice is yours.

Now here’s a story about a wolf nearly ripping me apart.

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