Ever gone out with someone you don’t like? First date, maybe you met online or wherever, you sit down at some beer garden, and the girl asks you what you want to drink? I’m sober, you reply. Oh, that’s fun, she says back. Okay, five minutes into the date and now this… where do you go? Well, I’ve been on both sides of this. This one chick in Long Beach actually stood up and walked out on me. That was very uncomfortable. That was the only time, outa the millions of dates I’ve been on, that someone actually stood up, left her food, and walked out on me in front of the entire back patio. It was, actually, the only time I ever truly felt like drinking. But I didn’t. Point is, that’s one way to handle being someplace with someone you don’t particularly like. The other option is to try and make it work, like the girl at the beer garden. I knew a couple things: a) I still wanted to fuck this chick. b) she was not into me. c) this was gonna be an uphill battle. I had to do something. Here’s what I did:
I kept asking her questions about shit I knew she wanted to talk about. How’d I know? Well, she was a career gal, obsessed with her work, and so I just began empowering her, telling her how amazing her job must be, asking about her travels, and so forth. Soon, the date ended, and not so quickly, after about an hour or two, and as she was walking away I asked:
Can I come back to your apt?
Oh, I have guests, she politely lied.
Two weeks later I texted her and she told me she was wasted and I asked if I could come over and she said something to the effect of: well I might be too drunk for you (not like, too wasted to make bad decisions, but too drunk because I’m sober). I said I didn’t mind if she didn’t, and then she invited me over. I raced to Crown Heights and we fucked. It was terrible. But I just wanted to conclude that story.
When I’m talkin to someone who I completely don’t vibe with, and let’s use a different example now… an example of someone I hate, someone phony as fuck maybe. Being phony is about as horrible of a character trait I think one can have, so let’s pretend this new person I don’t vibe with is some kinda chick “travel influencer” on Instagram who spends 80% of their time setting up their iPhone and taking vain selfies (which I probably jerk off too anyway), used solely to manipulate the world that they are happy in that particular moment in which they force a smile out for the camera. That is someone I would not vibe with at all, and because she’s a total piece of shit in my head, it also creates a level of lust reserved only for idiots. I backtrack. Point is, it all boils down to phony for me. I have visceral reactions toward the fake, and so what would I do if I had to get along with her?
Maybe we’re on an online date (though I’m getting married and haven’t been on an online date in years). Or here, better example: Maybe I have to go to a wedding or some shit and she (this travel influencer) is at my table and the best friend of the bride and groom and it’s imperative I don’t show my distaste for their existence. Yeah, that’s the scenario. What do I do then? This situation has for sure occurred before in other settings, could be anywhere for you, whoever you are… This could arise with family or coworkers or whoever, but for today, I’ll use the example of friends of friends. A party you were invited to where you’re trying your best not to be “that guy” or “that girl”–the debbie downer of the crew who’s on their phone trying to escape.
My first secret sauce is to find the common ground. Sometimes the coal mine is dark and deep and filled with dust, but it’s usually there, even if that common ground is scarce. This happens all the time when I’m talking politics or economics or any subject I deem important. I always look for what I can agree on with who I’m talkin to. I try my best to make jokes out of what really bothers me and ricochet to another topic more compatible. There’s gotta be something I agree with this travel influencer on… for me, this would be easy: travel. Fave place, hostel or airbnb or hotel, all that shit. I could find something. Might be harder with a fashion blogger, but I could immediately switch to how they market their blog. Marketing is another one of my safe zones. But what if there’s no common ground?
Okay well there are times when someone is just so shitty that I can’t agree with them on anything, but this rarely occurs, and if it does, I revert to plan B: curiosity.
Plan B never fails, but this sounds like an abortion clinic now, so how about I switch this to Another Path. Another Path to conversation, if common ground is nowhere to be found (maybe she’s an anti-Semitic piece, conspsiracy theorist or some shit), but still I wanna stay in the game, I would simply find some sorta genuine curiosity about something this “travel influencer” had said. You with me? Check it out, here’s what I mean…
Let’s say she just went to Morrocco and they’re showing me their IG with tons of shitty pics that are simply excuses to flash the world her nipples through their bikini (which I quite enjoy). I’d just start asking about what I’m actually interested in.
Why do you love to travel?
What’s travel mean to you?
Do you find your work meaningful?
Also… why not be honest while doing all this, right? Just cause they’re phony doesn’t mean you have to be…
Do you find posing for photos the entire trip eats away at the authenticity of your adventure?
Does it ever get annoying having to stop the flow of the moment to capture it on video? Or does it not take so much time to set up, like… are you just posting and running?
Do you need to set up your computer to photoshop shit? Or do you never photoshop anything?
Do you think there’s anything inherently wrong with people photoshopping photos they take?
Where do you want to go next?
Is it hard to maintain meaningful relationships with people when you’re always moving around?
Do you miss your family?
Don’t you wish you could have a pet?
By the end of all these questions, which are genuine cause I actually am curious to know the answers, I’m not covering up my skepticism that they’re actually enjoying themselves, rather I’m asking about anything I may be able to learn from. Basically, if I can learn more about whether or not I hate them the way I thought I did, the questions become fun, and people generally enjoy someone taking an interest in them.
Even that chick at the beer garden couldn’t resist my enthusiasm to hear more about how she escalated the corporate stairwell to become one of the top executives at Comedy Central. And had I not called the girl I was on that online date with in Long Beach a cunt, and perhaps asked her what type of movie she absolutely hates, maybe the date coulda at least concluded.
By the way And you don’t need a checklist of questions either. Just allow yourself to not hate the person for a moment and ask all those questions your pride may be holding you back from asking: the truth. At least that’s the way I do it. When all else fails, tell the truth.
I should say though that I don’t often end up in places talking to people I don’t vibe with, but when I do, I look for those two openings:
What is the common ground? Do we both like boxing? Hate hunting? Ski rather than snowboard? Something is there. With the travel influencer, it was the idea of travel being awesome, but the pitfalls of always being on the road. With the fashion blogger, it’s how he/she markets her blog. With the girl from comedy central, it’s how she was able to make so much money in a fairly cool setting.
And then if none of that works, the curiosity angle.
This is especially great to skate away from politics or religion or economics or any of those topics that’ll burn the house down. Somewhere along the way, you’ll hear them say they studied anthropology in college, or kung fu as a teenager, or did community theatre in their hometown–something less battle-fused, and that’s when you JUMP! Whoa! You played Puck in a Midsummer’s Night Dream? I HATE Shakespeare! Do you think he really lived? Or whatever.
That’s the only way I’ve found to have a great conversation with almost anyone in front of me, even the most disgusting humans on Earth. If you pull back their fleece far enough, there’s something you can connect on. Just gotta listen for the golden goose egg you want more of.
It’s almost guaranteed to work.