Aright so I’m goin to the Bourgeois Pig in a minute to meet my ex-girlfriend and even tho it was like eight years ago that we dated it still is nevertheless my ex-girlfriend. And I gotta say… I still really wanna fuck her. And I’m not going into this teatime get-together thingamajig hoping to get laid, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wanna rip her clothes off and make out with her and throw her on my bed till we have sex like we did when we first met in NYC when we were costars in this one play called Manuscript by Paul Grellong. ¬†Anyway I’m watching the republican debate and my homegirl told me she really wanted me to stop with only the short stories and just write some more fun shit every now and again and so that’s what I’m doin right now. She said

PUT PICS OF YOURSELF ON THE BLOG

Yeah I said to her u know what? How bout I just form an entire tab called SELFIES and I’ll just go take selfies all over the fuckin city. She thought that was a bad idea.

No I just think you should put one or two up, she says to me.

Oh, so no selfies?

No. Just one. Like in a post.

Oh.

lol so… Uhhh here:

Anyway like I said I’m watching the republican debates on my iPad streaming live on fox business cause we can’t afford real cable, Carla and I… Carla is my roommate btw, Not my gf, I’m single bitches. And I’m romantic as fuck.

Not only am I doin all that, BUT, and here comes some big ass news…

The carpet cleaners are here.

Yeah so I’ma let the carpet dry, cause the carpet cleaners just cleaned my carpet, I’ma watch this live online stream of the fuckin debates cause I’m obsessed with politics and then goin to have tea with my ex.

I promised my homegirl in NY I’d admit to the world what a goddam hypocrite I am cause I always tell EVERYONE how I would never wanna go out with any of my ex’s ever again. But then this chick on bumble (some dating app like tinder) made me real insecure, which is the reason I texted my ex cause I needed external female validation, anyway this girl, the one from bumble, made me real insecure cause we were chatting via bumble-message and she says to me

Where do you live?

I says Sunset and La Brea. What about u?

She says Sunset and La Bea.

Wait, what? Where?

Anyway turns out this chick is my next door neighbor, like the building over from me, and so I was like WEEEIIIRRRDDDD

COME OUT AND HAVE A CIG WITH ME!

I just assumed she smoked from lookin at her pics. It was like 10pm. Or maybe even 9pm.

So I go out in my white tee shirt that I just made earlier in the day by ironing one of my drawings onto it with that adhesive paper shit, ruining my kitchen counter in the process cause I ironed it over my blue pillowcase and now the whole counter looks like my pillowcase, anyway I was wearing that shirt and I went outside.

There she was, the Bumble girl, hot as fuck. In these booty short pajama thingies with this dirty blonde hair and man she just looked yummy.

So we smoked a million cigarettes and then after like 45 mins or so she gets up and is like

We should like, go on a REAL date!

And I was like yeah. For sure.

Then I got a lil clingy and texted her the next day like a fuckin toddler and I couldn’t close the deal.

Not until Carla, my roommate, she says

Why don’t you just text her and be like yo, I wanna take you to dinner this week, what’s your schedule like?

So I did. I said just that. And bitch never got back to me.

Until the next night. She sends me this flurry of text messages explaining why she can’t meetup this week but wants to know when I can meet up the week after.

I said I dunno, look- if u wanna go out lemme know. The invite is open…

Well, that was that. So, Anyway, yeah- that’s why I was feeling insecure.

Fuckin LA chicks…

LA is like this big city I wanna hate fuck like an ex girlfriend. Kinda like the one I’m about to go meet up with but the only thing about that is I just got THIS TEXT FROM HER


That literally just happened as I was typing this at 5:46PM PST… so I guess I’m not going out with my ex-girlfriend afterall and I guess that makes this post much more relevant than it was when I started writing it.

Hmm… I’ma eat some pasta.

Signing off.

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