WELCOME TO LOCKED UP
I kept getting locked up. But not for too long… wait. What am I saying? I spent two years locked up in Georgia. Anyway- I’ve been to like a million small jails in a billion tiny towns and I’m probably the only drug dealer that NEVER went to jail for dealing drugs BUT DID go to jail for speeding. Yeah… this is all in my book, but here… Indulge yourself for a moment and live in my life. I’m willing to bet you can relate somewhere along the lines in these stories.
The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul
It was 7pm in early October. The sun had set a while ago. It may as well be midnight the sky was so dark, but that’s good. Dark was good. We were in all black. We rented a 14ft U-Haul, and that U-Haul was positioned in an alley next to a Mobile station. It was Tegan,...
Tinder, Part II
Okay... So remember that Asian chick I was talkin about? Â In Tinder Part I? Â The girl that showed up to my apartment looking way better than her pics lookin slutty as hell and literally wanted to just go down on me pretty immediately after walking through the door...
The Art Of The Overnight Deal
My flight takes off in one hour. I get in a cab in Brooklyn, sit in remarkable traffic, get to the airport and race from the backseat of my taxi to the security checkpoint… There’s twenty-three grand duct-taped to my balls. Beads of sweat soak my inner soul as I stare...
Almost Dying In The Grand Canyon
I showed up to the Grand Canyon with Kevin, a timid kid in his early twenties from Tennessee that I had met at a hostel in Santa Fe, this annoying nineteen year old know-it-all Dutch kid and some girl from Germany that Kevin had met at the new hostel he was now...
She Shoved Her Finger In My Ass & Gave Me A Bloody Nose
So what brings you to New York? I wanna be a stripper. I look her up and down… not really cut out for the gig… but I don’t wanna spoil her enthusiasm... Oh yeah? Yeah they have some open calls tomorrow so I’m gonna go. She looks around my small studio apartment....
Tinder
Look I'm on Tinder. It's a good pastime. I have striking conversations every now and then. I've only ever went out with one chick from it- wait. Two. I lied. And she was- shit. Three. I went out with Three. Two of em were ehhhh but one of them.. She was this Asian...
One Day In The Life Of A Drug Dealer (well, pot)
At 9am I’m writing a screenplay about this girl named robyn smith who witnessed a murder as a child then found out her boyfriend was the gay lover of the sheriff’s son, the sheriff’s son she swore had committed the murder she witnessed as a child in Lake Charles...
ENFP Personality Story: They Told Me I Was A Farmer
So I took this personality test yesterday, and it says I’d be a great farmer or park ranger... It says I’m logically retarded. It says that I would be a great actor, writer, journalist, graphic designer, web designer, psychologist, speech pathologist, interpreter,...
Why I Never Married Lizzie Olsen
I had one more chance. It was final scene day, the last day of school at Atlantic Acting Conservatory. It was a full house and the heat was on. Lizzie performed a scene from Stop Kiss. I performed Zoo Story and was still in my nerdy J-Crew sweater I wore for the...
The Day I Gave Ryan Gosling My Autograph
So Ryan Gosling is sitting next to me at the Dresden, a 1950’s styled piano bar in LA, with a group of friends enjoying some cocktails and famous conversation. Some chick walks up to his table, mid-adjective, and stands there hovering over he and his friend, who seem...