BAD DATING ADVICE & CRAZY-ASS RELATIONSHIPS

Here are some crazy stories about some crazy-ass relationships that you may, or may not be able to relate to.  Some of the stories paint me as the biggest piece of shit in the world, but I’m actually a hero.  At the end of the day, they’re just fucked up relationships full of terrible dating advice, most of them are from my book…  Anyway, enjoy the lunacy.

Life Stories: The Mary Poppins of Hookers

Life Stories: The Mary Poppins of Hookers

Golden Prostitute The Tale of Flower's Coveted Services Once upon a time I was a homeless runaway sixteen-year-old kid and my boot-camp-boarding-school sweetheart was turning tricks on the streets of Providence. Her name was Flower, and this is her story, one of them....

Here’s How I Almost Got Killed at a Cheap Motel

Here’s How I Almost Got Killed at a Cheap Motel

Here's a story about what happened at this cheap motel in Georgia. So I'm at this cheap motel in this cracked out town called New Brunswick in Georgia, which is right over the river from Saint Simons Island, also in Georgia, and I got my two pups and I'm all alone...

3SUM

3SUM

Okay here's a fun story about a threesome. I was 25, she was 18. It was the SKIT SKAT Awards SHOW... a comedy festival I had produced in NYC. This was the night of the awards show where we recognized all the great sketches.. but for me... it was a different night. I...

PROSTITUTE

PROSTITUTE

FLOWER'S STORY, PART II THE MOST COVETED ESCORT IN RHODE ISLAND It had been weeks since I'd seen Flower. I was living with Lucy, the ivy-league chick that went to Brown University that thought I was turning nineteen when in fact I was turning seventeen-- that story is...

I Fell In Love With A Stripper In Reno But Ended Up In Jail In El Paso

I Fell In Love With A Stripper In Reno But Ended Up In Jail In El Paso

I was 25 years old and called up my friend Ryan and asked him if he knew how to use a camera. "A Camera?  Sure.  I guess.  Why?” "Okay.. We’re taking a month long trip to walk Ooli (my Doberman RIP) across the country.  It’ll be fucking hilarious.  You in?”...

Stay With Me Just ONE More Night

Stay With Me Just ONE More Night

“Stay just one more night” Lucy, the Ivy-League girl I fell in love with that one night I was sitting on my Indian-print blanket asking strangers for money with my witty signs 'need money for beer pot and hookers', the girl I was tellin you about yesterday, would say...

She Shoved Her Finger In My Ass & Gave Me A Bloody Nose

She Shoved Her Finger In My Ass & Gave Me A Bloody Nose

So what brings you to New York? I wanna be a stripper. I look her up and down…  not really cut out for the gig… but I don’t wanna spoil her enthusiasm... Oh yeah? Yeah they have some open calls tomorrow so I’m gonna go. She looks around my small studio apartment....