Scrambled Gregs: Funny Short Stories About Life

I write about my life because some people find it interesting. But before you start reading shit… Do you ever get REALLY fuckin bored? Sign up below for free bedtime stories that go out once a week.

The Drifter Chronicles

This is my three-volume memoir about my fucked up life and how I managed to salvage my future. Rated R. Completely profane. Limited plot. Reader beware. Only buy if you can stomach a sad tale told with teenage angst and a tinge of dark humor.

The Drifter Chronicles. Vol. 1: No Direction Home

Buy Vol. 1 on Amazon…

The Drifter Chronicles Volume 2- Debauchery

Buy Vol. 2 on Amazon…

The Drifter Chronicles, Vol. 3: The Final Debacle

Buy Vol. 3 on Amazon…

Think Amazon can go fuck itself? Well, that’s why you can buy directly from me at The Scrambled Gregs Store…

Premium Scrambled Gregs

If you’d like to hear all about how I was able to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, I offer premium content geared a bit more towards those of you who can relate to my story. Here I share how I was able to fix my life and salvage my soul. The weekly content goes out every Sunday and is only 16 cents per day. This is my way of supporting myself while spending my time offering what I deem to be the most important work I can possibly do: help others who have been in my situation.

AKA 16 cents per day.

Camping Hacks for 9 to 5ers

When I was sixteen I was sent to a wilderness program in Utah where I was told to learn how to survive in the woods with nothing other than a knife. Dig your own latrine, whittle the wood needed for a bow drill set, create an ember with that bow drill set, use the...

Travel Hacks for Aspiring Nomads

When I was fourteen in my first rehab in Minnesota with nothing other than a piece of paper and my imagination, I began dreaming of freedom. By the time I reached my second rehab in Louisiana when I was fifteen, I had immaculate plans to run away and be liberated once...

What’s a Hostel? Let’s Find Out…

My First Time Staying in a Hostel I had always wanted to experience a hostel. What's a hostel really like? Are they grimy? Creepy? Normal? Dirty? Clean? Amazing? I had no idea, but I had to find out. And afterwards, staying in hostels became a way of life for me. But...

How to Stop Smoking Weed

I stopped smoking weed and drinking and doing coke and all that shit about nine years ago, but that’s cause I was a degenerate drug addicted fuckhole and sought serious help. But it dawned on me that not everyone that is searching for a weed substitute and looking for...

(2016) I Hate My Boss So I Think I’ll Kill Him

It was 2016. I was thinkin... I hate my boss. He really is a piece of shit. He was this interior designer agent, a real scumbag. I’ll do one more day then ask for more money so he’ll fire me. No way this dipshit can keep affording to give me raises. I already asked...

Feeling lonely in a relationship with so many people

She was with me when I got my wisdom teeth pulled and drove me back to her apartment. She loves me. She would never do this if she didn’t. Then she cooked us pancakes at her apartment while my mouth was full of cotton and I recorded it on my phone before it was cool...

Body Language Attraction Alert

I was watching reruns of America’s Next Top model this weekend and looking at all the models and hating on some and loving on others, but realized they are good at one thing: body language. They pose in this way that drips attraction. At first I didn’t see it, I...

Once in a Lifetime Experience Again and Again

I remember when I was sitting in Robyn’s office. She was my manager when I was trying to break out as an actor in my early twenties. I remember sitting on her couch in her office waiting to meet her boss thinking: this shit will only happen once. Make it count. I used...

How Do I Change My GODDAM LIFE?!

If I want to change my life, I do something HUGE… and it always works. That’s my secret: Do something fuckin huge that’s in the direction of where I wanna be. Sometimes I wake up and realize I’ve fallen off track, or I’ve spent too much time in one place. Like the...

How to Meet People in a New City

I’ve moved to many different cities and the first thing I do is head to the cafe. That’s my starting point. There’s no right way for how to meet people in a new city, but you can increase the odds of getting off to a non-lonely start. The cafe as a starting point...

How It All Started

This blog is based off of many fucked up experiences, some pretty, some not so nice. But if you wanna know how it all started, try reading Chapter Zero below…

CHAPTER ZERO: Welcome To Hidden Lake Academy

We drove Northeast from the Atlanta airport and were now somewhere in the barren Appalachian Mountains. I sat in the front seat of a red pickup truck, crammed in between two scary hick private investigators with a gun rack and rifle mounted to the rear window. I had...

CHAPTER ONE: Legendary Loser

It was the first day of middle school. The hallway crowded with hostile sixth graders, half from East Hills Elementary School, and the rest from Harbor Hill Elementary School. The two schools had always remained divided until today. For the first time, we were...

CHAPTER TWO: Overnight Success

I was standing in the parking lot where all the buses picked us up after school one day. It was the beginning of the school year in eighth grade and my social status was the same, if not worse. I was the loser sidekick to the two other losers that were slightly less...

CHAPTER THREE: Stardom

Here it was, stardom, popularity, fame, power.  I considered myself lucky to have known the darkness so well before tasting the light.  It was a new day, a Friday, the most wonderful Friday I had ever met.  Pre-Olivia life was already a distant memory,...

CHAPTER FOUR: They Found Out I Was A Jew

From the day I showed up to the humid, bug-filled air of Opelousas, Louisiana for rehab number two, the ‘Jew’ jokes had flown across the room like a volleyball. Nobody knew I was Jewish and I was determined to keep it that way. I celebrated my fifteenth birthday at...

CHAPTER FIVE: The Night We Broke Out

A shotgun was fired. Sarah and I leapt off the guys lawn from behind the bushes and ran onto the street. “Hurry the fuck up!” She was already out of breath and who knows how many rounds that guy was gonna fire. Sirens could be heard all around. We dove into a ditch on...

CHAPTER SEVEN: TRIPLE FUCKED

3 2 1 BOOM!!! We ran down the prison-like dormitory hallway, under the surveillance cameras, past the security guards,  and nearly shattered the glass doors.  We meant to be quiet, but running for dear life can be loud. We jumped over the mud and leapt behind the high...

CHAPTER EIGHT: Isolation Cabin

I woke up in the middle of a flooded basement.  The carpet on the ground reeked of mildew and had started to unravel.  The walls were painted eggshell white. Jon and Ramsey and Jake were still asleep. An unfamiliar woman in army attire sat in a chair reading a book...

CHAPTER NINE: Get The Fuck In The Car

“Greg.” Wake up. Can you hear me?” His voice was stern and curt and cut right through my sleep. My eyes opened but my sight was blurry. There was a man. “I want you to listen very carefully.” Grant-Lindsey, the headmaster kneeled over me clenching his bible. I was in...

CHAPTER TEN: Solo Time

THE FINAL CHAPTER OF PART I SOLO TIME My blindfold was taken off.   I was in the middle of some forest. Another forest. I’m always in a fuckin forest. This time I was alone. Well, Running Oak was with me, but none of the other kids were in sight. “This is where you...

Stories About Crazy Ass Relationships

Moving on to some crazy ass relationships… many of these stories are incredibly twisted. I would go so far as to say there’s some pretty fucked up shit in this category… but nevertheless, if you wanna read some raw shit, feast up.

Feeling lonely in a relationship with so many people

She was with me when I got my wisdom teeth pulled and drove me back to her apartment. She loves me. She would never do this if she didn’t. Then she cooked us pancakes at her apartment while my mouth was full of cotton and I recorded it on my phone before it was cool...

Body Language Attraction Alert

I was watching reruns of America’s Next Top model this weekend and looking at all the models and hating on some and loving on others, but realized they are good at one thing: body language. They pose in this way that drips attraction. At first I didn’t see it, I...

Boundaries in Relationships – A Story About My Personal Assistant…

I used to fuck a chick named Mimi. That’s not her real name. I knew her cause in sixth grade I made out with her older sister at a house party I was having at my parent’s house, and then twenty years later I was smoking a joint in someone’s car outside of the Nassau...

Ever Wonder How to Get Over Someone You Never Had? Total Mindfuck, I Know.

I met a chick at a bus station that treated me like shit and nearly ruined my trip to Patagonia, so I had to learn how to get over her. She was like crack. Only thing is I never had her… I had to navigate through the muddy waters of learning how to get over someone...

Building Healthy Relationships With Cracked Cement

Building Healthy Relationships Was Never Something I Coulda Envisioned... Not in a million fuckin years. Especially my parents that I’d been estranged from at such a young age, but building healthy relationships got progressively worse as I got older. By the time I...

The Story About Why I Cheated on My Girlfriend

I Cheated on My Girlfriend in the Worst Possible Way… KC was in the bathroom taking a shower and I quietly turned the computer on. I start going through all the millions of Lisa Andersens on MySpace while my heart is thumping. I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s...

Chemistry in Relationships

Finding Chemistry in Relationships When I first met my fiance on this sober rafting trip by the Delaware river and she was wearing these leggings with Koolaid-like red hair, I was certain she was just my type: trashy and sober. But after a few dates I realized she...

Should We Break Up?

You Know those Relationship Extremes? Should we break up then? NO! Okay should we get married? That’s how most of our conversations went. From breaking up to marriage. Either I wanna spend the rest of my life with this woman or we should break up and never see each...

Forgive But Don’t Forget

I Never Liked Those Relationship Slogans Like: "Forgive but Don't Forget."  Wtf does that even mean? I love her. Why would I not forget about it? If I took that advice with my last girlfriend, I'd have to disown my feelings every other week. The big fight we...

When Chicks Used To Ask Me “Why Am I Still Single?”

Who Me? I’d be like, wait. What? Why am I still single? You have the nerve to ask me that? Why are YOU still single, huh? That used to come up in every Tinder exchange or Bumble thread I had. Those goddamn dating apps really make it hard to tell the truth, right?...

Stories About Being Homeless

Yeah so I was a sixteen year-old homeless hippie vagabond fuck when I was younger and that’s where a lot of foundation was layed… So, if you wanna know what it’s like digging through the trash to get a Whopper on 9/11 when you’re an (ex)vegetarian beatnik, these stories are for you…

The Freedom That Homeless Teens Get That You Never Will

I was one of the homeless teens of America. I’m not some random writer writing about this shit, I was it. From fourteen to sixteen I was institutionalized. From sixteen to seventeen I was homeless, and from seventeen to twenty-seven I was a vagrant nomad cocaining...

Stealing Books

I was spare changing on Thayer street outside of the Brown University Bookstore and had the sudden urge to read Of Mice And Men by John Steinbeck. I stole a book from that store roughly... Hmmm... A couple times per week.  My backpack was full of books, fine...

Stay With Me Just ONE More Night

“Stay just one more night” Lucy, the Ivy-League girl I fell in love with that one night I was sitting on my Indian-print blanket asking strangers for money with my witty signs 'need money for beer pot and hookers', the girl I was tellin you about yesterday, would say...

Dirty Sex Stories

I love sex and I love writing about it. Some of the sexual experiences I’ve had were totally inappropriate, while others were absolutely called for. Sometimes I’m a dick, sometimes I get dicked (not literally). Anyway, if you’re horny and want something to rev your ovaries, check out some of these stories…

Losing My Virginity… Kinda

I was seventeen. KC stood up and I looked at the crease of her ass from the pillow and saw her blue thong and thought I was in a movie. I couldn’t believe chicks really wore those things. Holy shit, she’s like some kinda freak, I thought. And her bra was matching her...

The Art of Having Sex in Public

I met a French chick in the desert. Twelve hours later we were having sex in public. At first I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do it, but the way she took off her clothes, I had no choice. Here’s what happened... We were waitin for the bus in the middle of the desert in...

Men and Sex – A Tale of Sexual Urges

I’m like an animal. I need food, sex, and water. That’s my starting point. Without sex, I can’t function. I think men and sex have a unique relationship with each other in that regard. When my battery is running low, I don’t have the energy to do what I want in life,...

Having Sex at Work

It was like 2007 and I was an actor doin this show called Manuscript. I was the producer and also the main actor. I auditioned a buncha chicks to play the main girl in the play and cast this one girl, but started thinkin of this other really hot chick that auditioned...

Fucked Up Sex

The most fucked up sex I ever had was with this chick from Sexaholics Anonymous ...or actually it was Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous. Originally I just wanted to have ice cream with her, but when I found out she was a sex addict, I had to see how bad her addiction...

Threesome

Okay here's a fun story about a threesome. I was 25, she was 18. It was the SKIT SKAT Awards SHOW... a comedy festival I had produced in NYC. This was the night of the awards show where we recognized all the great sketches.. but for me... it was a different night. I...

She Shoved Her Finger In My Ass & Gave Me A Bloody Nose

So what brings you to New York? I wanna be a stripper. I look her up and down…  not really cut out for the gig… but I don’t wanna spoil her enthusiasm... Oh yeah? Yeah they have some open calls tomorrow so I’m gonna go. She looks around my small studio apartment....

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