I have so many bios scattered all over this damn website, my beloved blog, that I'll just let you rummage around and find one cause i can't POSSIBLY do another rendition of simple ol' me.

How to persevere to get what you want

This is simply what I do to keep myself on track when I pinpoint that I want something. If it works for you, wonderful. I hope it does. The first thing I usually do is figure out if I truly want something. What are the ups of this and the downs of this journey? If […]

Blood Everywhere

At 7:30AM I was a bloody fuckin mess. Started out such a good day too. Woke up still tan from Mexico. Still buzzing from good sex. Ready to jack that weight back from all the tacos and shit we’d eaten the week in Tulum. Kept my pajamas on as I went to the guest room […]

How to Land Your Dream Travel Writing Job

My Secret Method for Getting Travel Writing JObs… Ready to learn some shit? WHAT IS TRAVEL WRITING AND HOW DO I MAKE MONEY DOING IT? Here’s how to become a travel writer… but first, ready for myth dispelling? Travel writing doesn’t exist! It’s actually not a real genre of literature, it simply means a writer […]

Definitely Be a Jack of All Trades

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes Here’s Why You Should Definitely be a jack of all trades. There’s no time to do shit you hate.  That’s why listening to your curiosity is so important. It’s a way to always keep the fire burning. If you’re in a hole, curiosity is your best shovel. Whatever you’re curious […]

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How to Get Your Shit Together

Ready? I got some shit to dish out. Eat it if it tastes good. Spew it out if it makes you gag. I have an idea for how to get your shit together. Well I’ll just tell you how I got my shit together first cause in reality I don’t know what you got goin […]

What is Crypto?

If you have no idea what crypto is, I made this for you. What is Crypto? A blithering moron’s guide to crypto… Look, I’m no cryptographer, MIT professor, or expert on technology. I know nothing. But after reading ten million articles, listening to seven billion podcasts, hanging out on Reddit and Discord, and talking with […]

The Secret to Self-Improvement

Self-Improvement For Vagabonds If you haven’t read Vagabond Secret 3: HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TIME WHILE TRAVELING, do that shit now. It all started one day when I was living in Los Angeles feeling shitty about life and not sure what to do. My career as a writer was beginning to fade in […]

Why telling the truth is so hard

The other day I was checking my Facebook ads, making sure nobody had posted some absurd comment telling me why I was a total piece of shit and how “they were expecting so much more” from me, and how my books read “like they were for an adolescent but with such filthy language, not even […]

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Why My Life Got So Bad

When I was three years old or so, my head began shaking uncontrollably. We were on a cruise and my parents took one look at me in my stroller and freaked out. I couldn’t stop shaking. Head swinging back and forth, I knew from that day forward there was something wrong with me. No idea […]

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Patience is Not A Virtue

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes If I have an impulse to do something I’ve always wanted to do, I see it through. Sounds ridiculous, does it not? I’m sure you can poke holes in that, but… Well, hear me out. And this is not worldly advice–I have none of that. This is simply what I’ve […]

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How to make the most of your time While Traveling

PLAN YOUR OWN ITINERARY BY KEEPING IT SIMPLE. If you haven’t read Vagabond Secret 2: How to Conquer Travel Anxiety, do that shit now. Find one thing you want to do more than anything and make sure it gets done: this is called your Vagabond Adventure. Plan around that one thing. Some people get overwhelmed […]

How to Conquer Travel Anxiety

The Secret to Conquering Travel Anxiety is to GET EXCITED If you haven’t read Vagabond Secret 1: How to Quickly Leap to Your First Adventure, do that shit now. After buying a plane ticket, you might be buying new swimsuits or reading the refund policy. There’re all kinds of travel anxieties that creep up on […]

How to Quickly Leap to Your First Adventure

BUY YOUR FLIGHT RIGHT AWAY If you haven’t read the intro: how to travel without time or money, read that shit first… After Spain I caught the travel bug and couldn’t shake it. On my last day in Barcelona, I was laying in my bed when I got a notification on Facebook. My friend Holly […]

Traveling Without Time or Money

How to travel without time or money Have you read Self-Administered Travel Therapy yet? That might be a helpful starting point. Then, come back to this post. It was 2017 and I had just gone through a breakup. I was devastated and to top it all off, I had no clients and was making no […]

Travel Therapy: Self-Administered Counseling

Is Travel Healthy? When I was fourteen, I was kicked out of high school in the middle of ninth grade and went to rehab in Minnesota for thirty days. While there, I fell in love with a nineteen-year-old heroin-addicted hippie chick from Purdue, Indiana, and helped a couple of kids get high in the woods […]

Almost a Criminal

Part 1 The restaurant was called Balzano’s, and it had just opened. All the employees were new, especially me—at least that’s what it felt like. I told KC how incredible it was, how I miraculously pulled off the pizza-boy to trendiest restaurant in Manhattan switch, but I probably had the shittiest job in the restaurant—worse […]

Shoulder surgery time!

I was in the pre-op room sweating from every armpit in my body. I had to pee again, but I just peed… but I had to go again. Is that okay? It’s goddam shoulder surgery time, Greg. Keep focused. “Can I pee? Is it too late?” The nurse looked at me like… ummm… I guuueesssss […]

How I dislocated my shoulder

I dislocated my shoulder cause of Jerry. It happened outside Nassau Community College. I had just moved back home to Long Island from Boulder, Colorado. I was twenty years old. I signed up for acting classes and so that’s why I was at the college. One day, outside the theatre department, either about to smoke […]

The Secret to Backpacking Trips

The hardest part about backpacking trips are pulling the trigger. I was at a diner in Manhattan with my friend Tyler once. We couldn’t afford anything on the menu. We were in the Turtle Bay section of the city. We ordered something menial to not look like bums. Together we chatted about leaving New York. […]

How to Plan a Road Trip Without Planning Shit

How to plan a road trip has nothing to do with where you’re going. In early spring of 2014, I had no idea where to go, but I had to leave LA fast. I couldn’t take it anymore; I needed outta California. I couldn’t relapse, no. That’s not an option. No drink for me. It […]

Best Road Trips in the USA

Yeah, so I do have the Guinness World Record for longest road trip in the US, which in itself has given me enough to write a blog about on the best road trips in the USA, but even before I broke the world record road trip, I’d grown up on the road and spent many […]

Camping Hacks for 9 to 5ers

When I was sixteen I was sent to a wilderness program in Utah where I was told to learn how to survive in the woods with nothing other than a knife. Dig your own latrine, whittle the wood needed for a bow drill set, create an ember with that bow drill set, use the ember […]

Travel Hacks for Aspiring Nomads

When I was fourteen in my first rehab in Minnesota with nothing other than a piece of paper and my imagination, I began dreaming of freedom. By the time I reached my second rehab in Louisiana when I was fifteen, I had immaculate plans to run away and be liberated once and for all. By […]

What’s a Hostel? Let’s Find Out…

My First Time Staying in a Hostel I had always wanted to experience a hostel. What’s a hostel really like? Are they grimy? Creepy? Normal? Dirty? Clean? Amazing? I had no idea, but I had to find out. And afterwards, staying in hostels became a way of life for me. But it started out pretty […]

How to Stop Smoking Weed

I stopped smoking weed and drinking and doing coke and all that shit about nine years ago, but that’s cause I was a degenerate drug addicted fuckhole and sought serious help. But it dawned on me that not everyone that is searching for a weed substitute and looking for a way for how to stop […]

(2016) I Hate My Boss So I Think I’ll Kill Him

It was 2016. I was thinkin… I hate my boss. He really is a piece of shit. He was this interior designer agent, a real scumbag. I’ll do one more day then ask for more money so he’ll fire me. No way this dipshit can keep affording to give me raises. I already asked for […]

Feeling lonely in a relationship with so many people

She was with me when I got my wisdom teeth pulled and drove me back to her apartment. She loves me. She would never do this if she didn’t. Then she cooked us pancakes at her apartment while my mouth was full of cotton and I recorded it on my phone before it was cool […]

Body Language Attraction Alert

I was watching reruns of America’s Next Top model this weekend and looking at all the models and hating on some and loving on others, but realized they are good at one thing: body language. They pose in this way that drips attraction. At first I didn’t see it, I thought they just looked into […]

Once in a Lifetime Experience Again and Again

I remember when I was sitting in Robyn’s office. She was my manager when I was trying to break out as an actor in my early twenties. I remember sitting on her couch in her office waiting to meet her boss thinking: this shit will only happen once. Make it count. I used to think […]

How Do I Change My GODDAM LIFE?!

If I want to change my life, I do something HUGE… and it always works. That’s my secret: Do something fuckin huge that’s in the direction of where I wanna be. Sometimes I wake up and realize I’ve fallen off track, or I’ve spent too much time in one place. Like the time I ended […]

How to Meet People in a New City

I’ve moved to many different cities and the first thing I do is head to the cafe. That’s my starting point. There’s no right way for how to meet people in a new city, but you can increase the odds of getting off to a non-lonely start. The cafe as a starting point works for […]

How to Get Over the Fear of Death Big Lebowski Style

This summer I saw Howard Stern’s new book, Howard Stern Comes Again, on my mother-in-law’s table in the Hamptons. It was a nice day out and everyone was by the pool. I never read much mind-mush, and nearly always surround myself with philosophy and psychology and business and marketing and self-help books and shit like […]

Learning a Foreign Language Scrambled Gregs Style

Learning a foreign language is like unlocking your girlfriend’s iPhone. You just gotta go for it. If the numbers work, you cracked the code. If not, she’ll be notified by Apple that you’re an insecure crazy person who needed to know if Craig was just a friend, or if she fucked him in your Subaru […]

I Used to Wonder… Am I a Failure in Life?

If my life isn’t where I want it to be at 27, I’ll do something drastic. If I still feel like I’m a failure in life by then, I’ll get rid of my worst habit. All through my twenties I told myself that. Then my 27th birthday was approaching and I freaked out. I looked […]

Turning 30 Almost Made Me Bankrupt

Turning 30 was the day I realized everything I ever thought in my twenties was total horse shit. My grandma always told me that “if you don’t make it by forty, you’ll never make it.” She said it as a throw-away line, something to give me a decade buffer to do what I’d set out […]

Therapeutic Boarding School – My Experience as a Troubled Teen

Some people go to the army, others end up in jail, and still others spend their adulthood talking about summer camp. For me, I spent my adulthood and my adolescence doing my best to explain to the world what in the fuck a therapeutic boarding school was, how I ended up there, what it was […]

Losing My Virginity… Kinda

I was seventeen. KC stood up and I looked at the crease of her ass from the pillow and saw her blue thong and thought I was in a movie. I couldn’t believe chicks really wore those things. Holy shit, she’s like some kinda freak, I thought. And her bra was matching her thong, like […]

A Man in Alaska Taught Me How to Grow Up

I Met a Man in Alaska Who Told Me: “Time to Grow Up Graig.” He was dying on a hostel bed and in his mid-seventies. He was a black man with white hair and stared off into the sky when he talked to you as if he were blind. That man changed my life. He […]

You Don’t Need to Find Your Passion

Stop Looking. Your Passion Already Found You. You don’t need to find your passion, it’s already there. I was always lookin in the wrong place, and then one day I just reverse engineered what made me happy in the past and thought: hmm… maybe I should just do more of that? So, that’s what I […]

The Freedom That Homeless Teens Get That You Never Will

I was one of the homeless teens of America. I’m not some random writer writing about this shit, I was it. From fourteen to sixteen I was institutionalized. From sixteen to seventeen I was homeless, and from seventeen to twenty-seven I was a vagrant nomad cocaining myself around the world. If anyone can speak on […]

Wtf? What is Vagabonding?

It’s a form of travel that challenges me to pave the path as I trek. No plans, just a goal. When I’m in vagabond travel mode, I’m usually going through some tough shit. So, it’s my way to grow through my challenges, to not doubt myself, and to let anything and everything change my life. […]

Fighting My Demons with Brass Knuckles

It was the middle of the night. I was strung out and wide awake in Brooklyn. My apartment was so big that the orthodox leasing agent nearly didn’t give it to me cause he thought it was too big for one person; that certainly I’d be subletting it out. No. I’m just a drug dealer […]

The Art of Having Sex in Public

I met a French chick in the desert. Twelve hours later we were having sex in public. At first I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do it, but the way she took off her clothes, I had no choice. Here’s what happened… We were waitin for the bus in the middle of the desert […]

Men and Sex – A Tale of Sexual Urges

I’m like an animal. I need food, sex, and water. That’s my starting point. Without sex, I can’t function. I think men and sex have a unique relationship with each other in that regard. When my battery is running low, I don’t have the energy to do what I want in life, or even be […]

Having Sex at Work

It was like 2007 and I was an actor doin this show called Manuscript. I was the producer and also the main actor. I auditioned a buncha chicks to play the main girl in the play and cast this one girl, but started thinkin of this other really hot chick that auditioned that I didn’t […]

Fucked Up Sex

The most fucked up sex I ever had was with this chick from Sexaholics Anonymous …or actually it was Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous. Originally I just wanted to have ice cream with her, but when I found out she was a sex addict, I had to see how bad her addiction truly was, so […]

Building Healthy Relationships With Cracked Cement

Building Healthy Relationships Was Never Something I Coulda Envisioned… Not in a million fuckin years. Especially my parents that I’d been estranged from at such a young age, but building healthy relationships got progressively worse as I got older. By the time I was a teenager my dating life was about as unhealthy as it […]

The Story About Why I Cheated on My Girlfriend

I Cheated on My Girlfriend in the Worst Possible Way… KC was in the bathroom taking a shower and I quietly turned the computer on. I start going through all the millions of Lisa Andersens on MySpace while my heart is thumping. I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s perfectly okay for me to look for […]

Chemistry in Relationships

Finding Chemistry in Relationships When I first met my fiance on this sober rafting trip by the Delaware river and she was wearing these leggings with Koolaid-like red hair, I was certain she was just my type: trashy and sober. But after a few dates I realized she wasn’t the whore I was hoping for […]

Should We Break Up?

You Know those Relationship Extremes? Should we break up then? NO! Okay should we get married? That’s how most of our conversations went. From breaking up to marriage. Either I wanna spend the rest of my life with this woman or we should break up and never see each other ever again. I fell in […]

Forgive But Don’t Forget

I Never Liked Those Relationship Slogans Like: “Forgive but Don’t Forget.”  Wtf does that even mean? I love her. Why would I not forget about it? If I took that advice with my last girlfriend, I’d have to disown my feelings every other week. The big fight we always got into was I’m sober and […]

When Chicks Used To Ask Me “Why Am I Still Single?”

Who Me? I’d be like, wait. What? Why am I still single? You have the nerve to ask me that? Why are YOU still single, huh? That used to come up in every Tinder exchange or Bumble thread I had. Those goddamn dating apps really make it hard to tell the truth, right? Everything is […]

Jealousy and Insecurity – Is there a Way Out?

I often wondered when I was younger if I’d ever be able to not be jealous. Jealousy played such a massive part in all my relationships, that I just assumed I was a jealous partner, and that was it. Jealousy in relationships would be there till the end of my time. That’s why I stayed […]

Second Chances in Relationships

Second Chances in Relationships – Right or Wrong? The other day my SEO chick was reading this post about relationships and about how second chances in relationships shouldn’t be a thing, and not only did it piss her off, it pissed me off too. When I first met my girlfriend–who is actually my fiance (since […]

World Record Road Trip – Gilbert

ROAD TRIP STANDSTILL -GILBERT, ARIZONA JULY 7, 2016, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. The day is at least 120 degrees and the night is somewhere around 110. I gotta go get new tires and get my oil changed and buy a camera and get ready to sleep in the back of my car for… however long […]

Big Chuck

I was repping this musician chick that fuckin sucked a while back. Why? Cause her dad, Big Chuck, was rich and he talked me into it with money. One day I say let’s do a big party and make her famous Big Chuck. He says whattaya have in mind. I say gimme like 100k and […]

One Day In The Life of NOT Becoming Famous on Social Media

One day, I was on my way to my friend Shannon’s surprise 30th bday party in downtown LA… …but before I got there, I walked into this cafe to grab a coffee. That’s when I saw this girl with her sketchpad out. She had this sketch of James Dean in front of her–I think–or some […]

Should I Take The Mussels? | Funny Tinder Stories

One of My Many Tinder Stories… I’m on the phone with some chick I met on Tinder. At some point of our conversation, she tells me that one time, some dude came on her hair at a nightclub ‘at the speed of cum’. I don’t know what that meant, but I knew what had to […]

Skinny Dipping With Shrinkage

Skinny Dipping Stories in Argentina It all started when Tan (some Canadian chick I met in the bunk above me in Buenos Aires at some hostel) and I met up again in the city of Mendoza and decided to look for some adventure. Building a repertoire of skinny dipping stories hadn’t crossed my mind… We […]

Traveling Patagonia in Search of Mandy

If you’re thinking about traveling Patagonia, it’s worth it to know Mandy… Cause she’s everywhere. Read PART THREE here before you proceed… TIME: I don’t know PLACE: Chalten, Argentina [WHATSAPP]: Eyo, whattayou doin today? Nada, told Mandy I’d paint her a sign. WHO THE FUCK IS MANDY! SHOW HER TO ME! Nope 😉 Does she […]

Travel Stories: Traveling Patagonia in Search of Mandy

If you’re thinking about traveling to Patagonia, it’s worth it to know how to get here… Read PART TWO here before you proceed… TIME: I don’t know PLACE: Chalten, Argentina I see some girl writing in her journal sitting on the cracked concrete of the bus terminal in El Calafate. It’s just she and I. So I […]

Epic Journey in South America, Part 1: Where’s The MAC-doh-NALDS?

The Epic Journey To South America Begins With Mac-Dohnalds. TIME: I don’t know PLACE: Montevideo, Uruguay So I knew I had to catch the bus from the airport in Montevideo to where I was gonna meet Sofi, the girl I had a small love affair with in Madrid.  We were gonna meet at the McDonalds […]

Traveling in Spain

DAY ONE I got off the plane at midnight and told the customs dude that I’d be in Spain for two weeks, but that was a lie.  I’d be there for ten days, two weeks just sounded more official and I was terrified that he was gonna ask me if I’d ever been arrested or […]

The Murder of Robyn Smith

So I logged onto MySpace while my ex-girlfriend was at work. It was 2005. I was twenty years old and hadn’t seen this girl named Robyn since I was fourteen in this rehab in Louisiana, but now that MySpace had just come out, I wondered if I might be able to find her. So I […]

CHAPTER ZERO: Welcome To Hidden Lake Academy

We drove Northeast from the Atlanta airport and were now somewhere in the barren Appalachian Mountains. I sat in the front seat of a red pickup truck, crammed in between two scary hick private investigators with a gun rack and rifle mounted to the rear window. I had no idea what Hidden Lake Academy was… […]

Life Stories: The Last Two Grand I Had

Life Stories With No Morals. I was twenty-two and had nothing but the 2K my grandma had given me as a “loan” to get my life together. At the time, I was producing plays for a living in NYC and had just lost 7K on my last show.  My grandma’s loan wasn’t enough to produce […]

Life Stories: The Mary Poppins of Hookers

Golden Prostitute: The Tale of Flower’s Coveted Services Once upon a time I was a homeless runaway sixteen-year-old kid and my boot-camp-boarding-school sweetheart was turning tricks on the streets of Providence. Her name was Flower, and this is her story, one of them. We’ll start with the time she blew up a truck, by accident. It all started one […]

CHAPTER ONE: Legendary Loser

It was the first day of middle school. The hallway crowded with hostile sixth graders, half from East Hills Elementary School, and the rest from Harbor Hill Elementary School. The two schools had always remained divided until today. For the first time, we were combined to attend the same junior high, and the separation between […]

Instagram Kills Cartoon, The Story

Tina never played sports in school.  She was always the girly girl that went to softball practice just to gossip about boys.  She was only ten years old when she asked her mom if she could wear eyeshadow to school. All the girls are doing it mom. And so she showed up a bit prematurely […]

Here’s How I Almost Got Killed at a Cheap Motel

Here’s a story about what happened at this cheap motel in Georgia. So I’m at this cheap motel in this cracked out town called New Brunswick in Georgia, which is right over the river from Saint Simons Island, also in Georgia, and I got my two pups and I’m all alone while my ex girlfriend […]

Mortician By Day, Stripper By Night

It was snowing. A lot. I was in Wyoming edging my way into South Dakota. We were heading for Deadwood (yeah that town actually exists… it’s not just on Netflix) to stay at a lil ol house this lil ol lady originally from Long Island had turned into a hostel. I see the ‘Welcome to […]

She Offered Me Mushrooms.

t was New Years Eve. I had been on the Amtrak for approximately 124 hours. I was somewhere in Kansas I think. That’s when I realized there was a party goin on in the observation car. So I got up outta my seat and left the kid that I was sittin next to, this twenty-year […]


Okay here’s a fun story about a threesome. I was 25, she was 18. It was the SKIT SKAT Awards SHOW… a comedy festival I had produced in NYC. This was the night of the awards show where we recognized all the great sketches.. but for me… it was a different night. I had cast […]


Aright so I’m goin to the Bourgeois Pig in a minute to meet my ex-girlfriend and even tho it was like eight years ago that we dated it still is nevertheless my ex-girlfriend. And I gotta say… I still really wanna fuck her. And I’m not going into this teatime get-together thingamajig hoping to get […]


Flower picked up. GREGGY!!!!! I couldn’t believe my ears. FLOWER!!!!  WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?  WHERE’D YOU GO?!?! I’m so sorry Greggy they made me leave and I went to Switzerland and then I ran away with Kiki and then we got tickets to come back here and I’m doin it Greggy, the whole Kerouac thing! […]

Jailbait Gypsy

So I go to the bourgeois pig, that’s my spot, to write my book, or edit it, rather, for the fifth time so that I can finally fucking finish this shit that I’ve been working on for five years… and so I walk into the cafe and say hi to the barista dude that’s my […]

Today I Was Bored So

So I just photoshopped my latest parking ticket and rearranged some of the letters and numbers to make it an official unofficial “How Do You Like YOUR Scrambled Gregs” parking ticket and I’m currently at Staples on Sunset and Wilcox after I ordered a hundred pages, three fake parking tickets per page, cutting them into […]


FLOWER’S STORY PART 2: THE MOST COVETED ESCORT IN RHODE ISLAND It had been weeks since I’d seen Flower. I was living with Lucy, the ivy-league chick that went to Brown University that thought I was turning nineteen when in fact I was turning seventeen– that story is here— so I was living a double […]

Runaway Teen Part III – The Girl With Dreadie Hair

READ PART I READ PART II The bus pulled onto a dark street at midnight, but Flower was NOWHERE to be seen. The Greyhound station was closed. I sat on a deserted street in downtown Providence.  No clue what to do. I had nowhere to sleep, I had no direction, I knew no one, I had […]

Little Room For Error – Runaway Teen Part II

I had to get 23 bucks for the bus ticket to providence I was tellin you about yesterday.  CUT TO Dinner table. Hey mom?  Marks wants to take me to Benihana tomorrow for a late lunch after he gets off work before my visitation is over.  Is it cool if I go with him? My […]

Revenge Is A Dish Of Carrots

So the Aussie who nearly killed me in my sleep from part one of this story, he tells me one day that if you eat twelve carrots you get a disease called Carotitus (or some shit) and you turn orange. I told him that was the dumbest thing I ever heard. He told me he […]

I Just REALLY Wanna Go Down On You

So I’m at some really posh pool party at a joint called Skybar at the Mondrian hotel in West Hollywood and my buddy Eric Sharp is DJing and the crowd is a collection of the most sexually frustrating outfitted human beings on earth.  I’m sitting down on the wooden patio with my buddy Charlie and […]

It Was YOU!

I had no idea what to do or where to leave my bag or if any of my belongings were safe in the room so at 10am or so I opened the door slowly, backpack on back, looked both ways before crossing the hallway to make sure that British sounding drunk dude that nearly pummeled […]

Stealing Books

I was spare changing on Thayer street outside of the Brown University Bookstore and had the sudden urge to read Of Mice And Men by John Steinbeck. I stole a book from that store roughly… Hmmm… A couple times per week.  My backpack was full of books, fine literature I might add.  That was all […]

How I Got Kicked Out of Acting School…

I threw the dinner table over and finished that scene from A Streetcar Named Desire where Stanley flips his lid at Blanche for the first time at the dinner table. It was an intense scene and i had teared and grabbed my wife’s tits during the scene in front of the class and I can […]


So I’m at this bar in Hell’s Kitchen with my co-star of a play I was performing in at the time called Tape, by Stephen Belber, when Duane, my co-star, says in a thick New York accent (even though he’s from Rhode Island) Don’t worry. I’ll take care uvit. Take care of what? He notions for the cocktail […]

Stay With Me Just ONE More Night

“Stay just one more night” Lucy, the Ivy-League girl I fell in love with that one night I was sitting on my Indian-print blanket asking strangers for money with my witty signs ‘need money for beer pot and hookers’, the girl I was tellin you about yesterday, would say to me every morning. So I […]

I Met This Ivy League Chick When I Was Homeless

So i’m a homeless sixteen year-old runaway that had just escaped from Hidden Lake Academy and was now spare changing with my homegirl, Flower, on the streets of Providence Rhode Island when I looked up from my Indian-print blanket, which I was sitting on while burning incense and holding up signs like “need money for […]

Karma’s A Bitch

He was wearing three hoodies and two pairs of pants with his hood over his face holding a shopping bag. I couldn’t see his face in the dark. We were outside the Flatiron Mall in Broomfield Colorado. I was 18. He told me to “Put the money on the ground” So I put twelve hundred […]

Burning Man.

We were fucked. It had been a wonderful experience.  For three hours.  Until my transmission blew out in Kingman Arizona and we tried watching video tutorials on how to fix a transmission on YouTube. Turns out rebuilding a transmission ain’t so easy. Luckily, there happened to be an extremely seedy strip joint in the back […]

The LAPD Helicopters Chased My Uhaul

It was 7pm in early October. The sun had set a while ago. It may as well be midnight the sky was so dark, but that’s good. Dark was good. We were in all black. We rented a 14ft U-Haul, and that U-Haul was positioned in an alley next to a Mobile station. It was […]

Tinder, Part II

Okay… So remember that Asian chick I was talkin about?  In Tinder Part I?  The girl that showed up to my apartment looking way better than her pics lookin slutty as hell and literally wanted to just go down on me pretty immediately after walking through the door without cuddling or even asking what my […]

The Art Of The Overnight Deal

My flight takes off in one hour. I get in a cab in Brooklyn, sit in remarkable traffic, get to the airport and race from the backseat of my taxi to the security checkpoint… There’s twenty-three grand duct-taped to my balls. Beads of sweat soak my inner soul as I stare at my ticket to […]

Almost Dying In The Grand Canyon

I showed up to the Grand Canyon with Kevin, a timid kid in his early twenties from Tennessee that I had met at a hostel in Santa Fe, this annoying nineteen year old know-it-all Dutch kid and some girl from Germany that Kevin had met at the new hostel he was now staying at in […]

She Shoved Her Finger In My Ass & Gave Me A Bloody Nose

So what brings you to New York? I wanna be a stripper. I look her up and down…  not really cut out for the gig… but I don’t wanna spoil her enthusiasm… Oh yeah? Yeah they have some open calls tomorrow so I’m gonna go. She looks around my small studio apartment. Can I sleep […]


Look I’m on Tinder. It’s a good pastime. I have striking conversations every now and then. I’ve only ever went out with one chick from it- wait. Two. I lied. And she was- shit. Three. I went out with Three. Two of em were ehhhh but one of them.. She was this Asian chick and […]

One Day In The Life Of A Drug Dealer (well, pot)

At 9am I’m writing a screenplay about this girl named robyn smith who witnessed a murder as a child then found out her boyfriend was the gay lover of the sheriff’s son, the sheriff’s son she swore had committed the murder she witnessed as a child in Lake Charles Louisiana, and that her boyfriend had only […]

ENFP Personality Story: They Told Me I Was A Farmer

So I took this personality test yesterday, and it says I’d be a great farmer or park ranger… It says I’m logically retarded. It says that I would be a great actor, writer, journalist, graphic designer, web designer, psychologist, speech pathologist, interpreter, scientist, MINISTER and a great fuckin farmer and park ranger. Wanna know something […]

Why I Never Married Lizzie Olsen

I had one more chance. It was final scene day, the last day of school at Atlantic Acting Conservatory. It was a full house and the heat was on. Lizzie performed a scene from Stop Kiss. I performed Zoo Story and was still in my nerdy J-Crew sweater I wore for the scene. The applause […]

The Day I Gave Ryan Gosling My Autograph

So Ryan Gosling is sitting next to me at the Dresden, a 1950’s styled piano bar in LA, with a group of friends enjoying some cocktails and famous conversation. Some chick walks up to his table, mid-adjective, and stands there hovering over he and his friend, who seem fairly engaged in not paying attention to […]

One VERY Twisted Situation

Well when winter was coming and it was gettin cold. Lucy and I were done… I had to figure something out cause the girl I was living on the street with, her name was Flower, she got all strung out on heroin and started prostituting herself out all over the state and it was rare […]

CHAPTER TWO: Overnight Success

I was standing in the parking lot where all the buses picked us up after school one day. It was the beginning of the school year in eighth grade and my social status was the same, if not worse. I was the loser sidekick to the two other losers that were slightly less of losers […]


Here it was, stardom, popularity, fame, power.  I considered myself lucky to have known the darkness so well before tasting the light.  It was a new day, a Friday, the most wonderful Friday I had ever met.  Pre-Olivia life was already a distant memory, though it was no more than twenty-three hours ago.  A colorful […]

CHAPTER FOUR: They Found Out I Was A Jew

From the day I showed up to the humid, bug-filled air of Opelousas, Louisiana for rehab number two, the ‘Jew’ jokes had flown across the room like a volleyball. Nobody knew I was Jewish and I was determined to keep it that way. I celebrated my fifteenth birthday at New Beginnings and was the youngest […]

CHAPTER FIVE: The Night We Broke Out

A shotgun was fired. Sarah and I leapt off the guys lawn from behind the bushes and ran onto the street. “Hurry the fuck up!” She was already out of breath and who knows how many rounds that guy was gonna fire. Sirens could be heard all around. We dove into a ditch on the […]


3 2 1 BOOM!!! We ran down the prison-like dormitory hallway, under the surveillance cameras, past the security guards,  and nearly shattered the glass doors.  We meant to be quiet, but running for dear life can be loud. We jumped over the mud and leapt behind the high grass and slid down the red clay to the […]

CHAPTER EIGHT: Isolation Cabin

I woke up in the middle of a flooded basement.  The carpet on the ground reeked of mildew and had started to unravel.  The walls were painted eggshell white. Jon and Ramsey and Jake were still asleep. An unfamiliar woman in army attire sat in a chair reading a book while her walkie-talkie went in […]

CHAPTER NINE: Get The Fuck In The Car

“Greg.” Wake up. Can you hear me?” His voice was stern and curt and cut right through my sleep. My eyes opened but my sight was blurry. There was a man. “I want you to listen very carefully.” Grant-Lindsey, the headmaster kneeled over me clenching his bible. I was in a sleeping bag on the […]


THE FINAL CHAPTER OF PART I SOLO TIME My blindfold was taken off.   I was in the middle of some forest. Another forest. I’m always in a fuckin forest. This time I was alone. Well, Running Oak was with me, but none of the other kids were in sight. “This is where you will […]

First Class Drug Dealer

My flight takes off in one hour. I’m racing from the backseat of my cab to JFK to make my plane.  After battling traffic I get to my gate and they are calling my name on the loudspeaker wtf? so i go to the gate attendant and he tells me I’ve been bumped up to […]

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